So...I will now go through the alphabet listing the emotions that best describe me with regard to how my husband makes me feel lately. Some letters may have more words than others. This is because so many words fit into the description. This could turn into a poem, or just another incessant rambling about my pitiful life. We shall see. So...here it goes:
A - aggravated, abandoned, angry
B - betrayed, bitter, burdened
C - crushed, confused
D - damaged, deceived, disgusted
E - empty, exhausted, exasperated
F - foolish, frustrated, furious
G - grief, gullible
H - hate, helpless, hurt, horrible
I - ignored infuriated, insecure
J - jabbed, judgmental
K - kicked
L - lonely, longing, let down
M - melancholy, misled, miserable
N - numb, naive, neglected
O - overwhelmed
P - pained, panicked, put off
Q - quarrelsome
R - rejected
S - sad, scared, sorrowful, stupid, stunned
T - tense, tired, troubled
U - uneasy, ensettled
V - violated, vulnerable
W - weepy, worried
X - ?
Y - yanked
Z - ?
Pretty damn sad when I can come up with all negative words about my husband using almost every letter of the alphabet. WTF!?! Our marriage was blissfully perfect for the first couple months...Now, the above descripters appear to be me ALL THE TIME!! I don't know how to handle that. I don't know how to continue to put on a happy face in front of everyone when inside I feel like I am dying a slow merciless death! How do I stop this? How can I save my marriage? Hell, most days I feel like I am the only one who gives a damn about the marriage anyway. So where does that leave me? I just am at a loss for what to do. We have been arguing about the same stuff daily or at least a few times a week for the past few months. Everytime it is the same tired ass "I'm sorry" or "It won't happen again". What he fails to realize is it isn't going to happen again because I am going to put an end to the marriage before he has a chance to do it again...Because that is how sick and tired I am of the games. I can't take it...mind, body, and soul is spent. I just need clarity, understanding, and a husband who actually gives a damn about me, my feelings, and my thoughts and opinions. Is that really so much to ask? I want a partner...someone I can rely on, someone I can turn to and cry on their shoulder should the need arise. I just do not know what to do.
Part of me says..."It's time to throw in the towel and give up on this marriage because it is sucking the life out of me!" While another part of me feels like "Just stick it out...The first year is always the hardest. Things are going to get better."
But I feel like..."Damn! I have already waited 9 years for him to get it together and do right by our son and myself, and I feel like all I get is more heartbreak and the same old tune he has been singing for the past 9 years." For the first time in 9 years, I am contemplating seriously walking away and NEVER looking back. The relationship we have right now is not conducive to my health...I am going to end up in the hospital or worse from constantly having the same argument because he can't grow up and be a responsible, mature adult who thinks of others before himself.
The hardest part for me is my son...I know my son is attached and has built a good relationship with his father. I would feel horrible to take that away...On the same hand, it is wrong if I stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of my son. He and I both deserve so much better than that. He does not deserve to have to be subjected to his parents' fighting 24/7. Enough is enough. I would rather be a single mom than to raise my son in the type of household we are currently in. So where does that leave me? What do I do? Where should I go? Who can I trust?
Life Lesson #4: If you cannot trust your partner...Who the hell can you trust? I know they say "it is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all"...but a big part of me thinks that is a load of crap. At least if I never loved I wouldn't know the hurt and pain of having to say goodbye and let go of someone I love with my whole heart. Love is not enough. You can only say "Sorry" so many times before the meaning and sincerity are lost and it falls upon deaf ears.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Love Everyone, Trust No One...
The Bible says, "Love thy neighbor"...I say, "It's ok to love them, but trust no one." This may seem harsh, however, when you have been screwed over by people as many times as I have these are words to live by. The saddest part is those that have screwed me were either family, or "friends". How twisted is that? In retrospect, I loved them all but I was too easily blinded by my love for them, that I TRUSTED them. I will NOT make that mistake again.
Here is what I have learned...Never allow yourself to be blinded by your love for someone that you fail to see what is right in front of your face! You can pretty much trust that someone you believe to always have your best interests at heart is going to screw you over eventually. Let me explain the story behind me feeling this way...
When my husband, son, and I moved into our new apartment almost 4 years ago, we let two people move in with us. My husband's friend, and his girlfriend. Well...a few months down the road, my husband's "friend" screwed us over and wasn't paying his share. We didn't ask for much, but don't think I will let you NOT pay your share of the bills and remain in a house I pay for. I think NOT! No one will live off my hardwork. So my husband kicked his "friend" out of the apartment. His girlfriend wanted to stay and still pay her share. We were ok with that. Until one day...she brought a random guy home and had nosy sex with him...Thankfully my son was not home, but my husband was. She would always walk around in skimpy stuff when I was at work. I went OFF on her. I allow you to live with my family and I and you have the balls to disrespect me? You have to go...Buh Bye. She moved out. On to the next saga...things were ok. Then my cousin needs a place to stay. I lay down the ground rules and let her know..."you can stay here, but this is the way it has to be." She lived with us for a while...then decided to screw us over and move back to Iowa without giving us any notice. WTF is that? How rude can you be? Family has no bearing on people. On to the next screw over in my story...this makes screw #4. My husband's brother was living in North Carolina and decided he wanted to come up here to live because his son's mother was a bit cuckoo. My husband and I paid for his ticket here, paid for some clothes for him. He did give us a set amount from his Social Security check every month and money toward groceries. So we live together for about a year...then he gets a new girlfriend, starts staying over there and one day, all of his stuff is gone and we get no notice, no conversation. All we ever got was text messages when ever he wanted something. So one day he called my husband and I went OFF. I basically told him he better never need to come back here because family or not, I will tell your ass to go stay at a shelter. I am done playing nice and having people screw us over. My husband understands my frustration he feels the same way but isn't the greatest at voicing his opinions and feelings about things.
So...Since his brother has moved out, we have been struggling to get by. I do not make enough money to pay all the bills. My husband is looking for work, but in this economy it's tough. He has been putting in applications and we are praying everyday that God will give us the break we need to make it through. Him and I both came up with a solution...ask my parents if they want to move in. We have lived together before and it went ok. My husband and I knew they aren't happy where they are (which is at my brother's house with his cheating wife and 3 kids). So my mom and step-dad tell us last week they are going to move in July 1st. Great...that will help us immensely. They finally told my brother this week, who then begged them not to leave because our mom is his built-in babysitter. He said he would lower their rent. This Thursday, I received a telephone call from my mother saying, "Don't move rooms aroung until Dad and I make a final decision." My response was instant fury. I said "Clearly you have already made your decision...Thanks for nothing. I don't even want to talk to you!"...and I hung up the phone. Never have I been more hurt and angry with my own mother in my life!
The conclusion that I have come to regarding this entire situation is that my husband and I will work through our money issues on our own. We will figure it out and be alright with no help from anyone but God. I have faith He would not give us anything we cannot handle and that he will bless us for our continued faith in Him. We are going to be able to say..."We fixed this ourselves. We thought we needed other people to bail us out, turns out we just needed patience and faith!"
So on that note...I leave you with Life Lesson #3:
LOVE EVERYONE...TRUST NO ONE! Have faith in yourself, your partner, your children, and above all God! When you have faith in yourself, God will guide you down the right path. Remember, things could always be worse. Be truly thankful for what you have and realize how blessed you truly are!
Here is what I have learned...Never allow yourself to be blinded by your love for someone that you fail to see what is right in front of your face! You can pretty much trust that someone you believe to always have your best interests at heart is going to screw you over eventually. Let me explain the story behind me feeling this way...
When my husband, son, and I moved into our new apartment almost 4 years ago, we let two people move in with us. My husband's friend, and his girlfriend. Well...a few months down the road, my husband's "friend" screwed us over and wasn't paying his share. We didn't ask for much, but don't think I will let you NOT pay your share of the bills and remain in a house I pay for. I think NOT! No one will live off my hardwork. So my husband kicked his "friend" out of the apartment. His girlfriend wanted to stay and still pay her share. We were ok with that. Until one day...she brought a random guy home and had nosy sex with him...Thankfully my son was not home, but my husband was. She would always walk around in skimpy stuff when I was at work. I went OFF on her. I allow you to live with my family and I and you have the balls to disrespect me? You have to go...Buh Bye. She moved out. On to the next saga...things were ok. Then my cousin needs a place to stay. I lay down the ground rules and let her know..."you can stay here, but this is the way it has to be." She lived with us for a while...then decided to screw us over and move back to Iowa without giving us any notice. WTF is that? How rude can you be? Family has no bearing on people. On to the next screw over in my story...this makes screw #4. My husband's brother was living in North Carolina and decided he wanted to come up here to live because his son's mother was a bit cuckoo. My husband and I paid for his ticket here, paid for some clothes for him. He did give us a set amount from his Social Security check every month and money toward groceries. So we live together for about a year...then he gets a new girlfriend, starts staying over there and one day, all of his stuff is gone and we get no notice, no conversation. All we ever got was text messages when ever he wanted something. So one day he called my husband and I went OFF. I basically told him he better never need to come back here because family or not, I will tell your ass to go stay at a shelter. I am done playing nice and having people screw us over. My husband understands my frustration he feels the same way but isn't the greatest at voicing his opinions and feelings about things.
So...Since his brother has moved out, we have been struggling to get by. I do not make enough money to pay all the bills. My husband is looking for work, but in this economy it's tough. He has been putting in applications and we are praying everyday that God will give us the break we need to make it through. Him and I both came up with a solution...ask my parents if they want to move in. We have lived together before and it went ok. My husband and I knew they aren't happy where they are (which is at my brother's house with his cheating wife and 3 kids). So my mom and step-dad tell us last week they are going to move in July 1st. Great...that will help us immensely. They finally told my brother this week, who then begged them not to leave because our mom is his built-in babysitter. He said he would lower their rent. This Thursday, I received a telephone call from my mother saying, "Don't move rooms aroung until Dad and I make a final decision." My response was instant fury. I said "Clearly you have already made your decision...Thanks for nothing. I don't even want to talk to you!"...and I hung up the phone. Never have I been more hurt and angry with my own mother in my life!
The conclusion that I have come to regarding this entire situation is that my husband and I will work through our money issues on our own. We will figure it out and be alright with no help from anyone but God. I have faith He would not give us anything we cannot handle and that he will bless us for our continued faith in Him. We are going to be able to say..."We fixed this ourselves. We thought we needed other people to bail us out, turns out we just needed patience and faith!"
So on that note...I leave you with Life Lesson #3:
LOVE EVERYONE...TRUST NO ONE! Have faith in yourself, your partner, your children, and above all God! When you have faith in yourself, God will guide you down the right path. Remember, things could always be worse. Be truly thankful for what you have and realize how blessed you truly are!
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Financial Freedom...Only if you are Bill Gates
It's been a while since I posted anything...I will chalk that up to my hectic life. It could also have something to do with the fact that I have been reading the Hugner Games triliogy by Suzanne Collins...which I have to say is an AMAZING series. I am on the last book (going to start it a bit later). Anywho...
Life can be ridiculously crazy at every turn. Our life is anything but stable at the moment. I feel like it's all falling apart. We are super behind in bills. I am working, my husband is looking for work, life is tough. I'm not looking for pity, I know how bad the economy is right now. I sometimes just feel like I wish we could catch a break and for once be financially stable. It's like for every step forward we have to take five backward. When does it end? When does the arguing over finances end? I do not want to be rich (not that it wouldn't be nice), but I do want to not live paycheck to paycheck wondering when the eviction and shut off notices will come. I feel like we are robbing Peter to Paul and at any point the other shoe is going to drop and hell will break loose...more so than it is already. Our whole lives we go through just trying to get by...unless you win the lotto, are born into a wealthy family, or figure out a way to be seriously successful...what does that leave you? Mediocrity? DEBT...a huge mountain of it that no matter how hard you work to destroy the mountain it will never truly be gone. There will always be subtle little reminders of the financial mistakes you made. Bankruptcy is an option but isn't the greatest option. I want to be able to say I got out from under my debt the right way (paying the creditors)...but when we are barely making ends meat now, how does that work exactly? I don't leach off the government, rob banks, or involve myself in criminal activity...not that I couldn't do any one of those things, just that I choose to attempt to be a productive member of society and really work for everything I have. But honestly, where has that gotten me? Oh yea, that's right...FURTHER IN DEBT!! Here is the thing...I know that if my husband gets a job, even a part time one, our future will look a little better. I would love if he could get a full time job, but at this point I will take what we can get. What I would give for him to catch a break. I know what it would mean to him to be able to bring in money and help with the bills. His biggest negative is he has a criminal record and has not held a job since early 2000. But for the last 7 or so years he has been the homemaker, raising our son and taking care of the house. We just can't afford that anymore. I pray to God every night to give us a small miracle and we will do the rest.
I really want us to start going to church. I want our son to know about God and learn to be true to himself, and grow as an individual. Who knows maybe gaining more faith will help our marriage and our life in general. I do have a few friends who don't believe in God, but we respect each other's beliefs. Who am I to say things aren't real? Who am I to judge? Only God can judge me and my decisions.
Now that I have vented about financial contraints and all the stress that comes along with that...I am ready to move on and spend my evening relaxing.
Life Lesson #2: There is only one way to change your circumstances...Go forth and fight for the change you deserve, not necessarily the change you want! Be true to your beliefs and hold strong to your values. Do not stray or change them because of what others believe or may want you to believe. You are the writer of your own story...Go forth and LIVE!
Life can be ridiculously crazy at every turn. Our life is anything but stable at the moment. I feel like it's all falling apart. We are super behind in bills. I am working, my husband is looking for work, life is tough. I'm not looking for pity, I know how bad the economy is right now. I sometimes just feel like I wish we could catch a break and for once be financially stable. It's like for every step forward we have to take five backward. When does it end? When does the arguing over finances end? I do not want to be rich (not that it wouldn't be nice), but I do want to not live paycheck to paycheck wondering when the eviction and shut off notices will come. I feel like we are robbing Peter to Paul and at any point the other shoe is going to drop and hell will break loose...more so than it is already. Our whole lives we go through just trying to get by...unless you win the lotto, are born into a wealthy family, or figure out a way to be seriously successful...what does that leave you? Mediocrity? DEBT...a huge mountain of it that no matter how hard you work to destroy the mountain it will never truly be gone. There will always be subtle little reminders of the financial mistakes you made. Bankruptcy is an option but isn't the greatest option. I want to be able to say I got out from under my debt the right way (paying the creditors)...but when we are barely making ends meat now, how does that work exactly? I don't leach off the government, rob banks, or involve myself in criminal activity...not that I couldn't do any one of those things, just that I choose to attempt to be a productive member of society and really work for everything I have. But honestly, where has that gotten me? Oh yea, that's right...FURTHER IN DEBT!! Here is the thing...I know that if my husband gets a job, even a part time one, our future will look a little better. I would love if he could get a full time job, but at this point I will take what we can get. What I would give for him to catch a break. I know what it would mean to him to be able to bring in money and help with the bills. His biggest negative is he has a criminal record and has not held a job since early 2000. But for the last 7 or so years he has been the homemaker, raising our son and taking care of the house. We just can't afford that anymore. I pray to God every night to give us a small miracle and we will do the rest.
I really want us to start going to church. I want our son to know about God and learn to be true to himself, and grow as an individual. Who knows maybe gaining more faith will help our marriage and our life in general. I do have a few friends who don't believe in God, but we respect each other's beliefs. Who am I to say things aren't real? Who am I to judge? Only God can judge me and my decisions.
Now that I have vented about financial contraints and all the stress that comes along with that...I am ready to move on and spend my evening relaxing.
Life Lesson #2: There is only one way to change your circumstances...Go forth and fight for the change you deserve, not necessarily the change you want! Be true to your beliefs and hold strong to your values. Do not stray or change them because of what others believe or may want you to believe. You are the writer of your own story...Go forth and LIVE!
Monday, April 23, 2012
Life sucks or blows...depending on how you look at it.
So...First let me start off by giving a mini-intro. I am a newlywed, mother of one amazing son, and an avid poetry writer. Some of my posts may be poetry while others may come in the form of a rant, rave, or random thoughts. Either way, I hope to show you the world through my eyes and experiences. Although I am only 27, I have gone through more than most my age. Life lessons have been learned and almost forgotten until each time reality comes back and slaps me across the face to remind me I am not invincible and life does effect me on every level possible.
Today was a rough day. It was day 5 of 5 at work, which normally would be no big deal...except that it began with a huge over-the-phone fight with my husband of 6 (almost 7) months. Don't get me wrong...it wasn't the first fight and I am positive it won't be the last as we have been together for 9 YEARS. However, it was the kind of fight that makes you wonder if you are stuck in some weird romantic-drama/comedy. Or who in the world you pissed off to deserve a beginning like this. Either way...I pushed through and managed to survived the day without physically harming anyone. This is not always an easy task.
The worst part is that the fight seems stupid now, but it was the kind of fight that showed just how much my husband cares (or doesn't) about my thoughts and feelings. Now I know you are like..."Oh God, not another blog about someone's feelings..." but this isn't. The fight just rubbed me the wrong way on many different levels. I think some background is in order to assist you in better understanding some of those life lessons I was discussing earlier.
My husband and I have been together since I was 18, he was 35. Age to me is nothing but a number. He is and always will be a recovering addict. All I am going to say about that is...I have been through more stints with him in jail or rehab than I can count on my fingers and toes. I love him with all of my heart and will always accept him flaws and all. I have never loved someone so completely. We went through a period of separation when our son was younger but we still managed to find our way back to each other. Mainly because my husband finally decided he was ready to stay clean and be a family. Which I admire him for more than he will ever know or understand because I do know what a challenge that is for addicts. He did for himself and our son. I will love him forever for that. While he was using, I was pregnant and he put me through SO much crap. I ended up in a VERY dark place during our relationship. So in the present...certain things he says and does can take me back to that dark place in a hot second. Sometimes I think he still doesn't understand that. Maybe one day he will understand...one day.
Now, with that in mind let's move forward and continue with what the fight was about. My husband doesn't drive or work currently (he does side work on the weekends). He gets tired of being couped up in the house all day which is understandable. Today he wanted to catch the bus into the city to get out for a while. Which normally I would say go for it and have fun, but today the weather was terrible and I was anxious about him going out. I told him my feelings and we fought about it. To me it was not right because I felt like he didn't give a shit how I felt about the situation. Sometimes I feel like he does what he wants, regardless of how I feel...while I bend over backwards to ensure his happiness and to not upset him about anything. Generally, if he doesn't want me to go somewhere, I don't go PERIOD. It is that simple. Is it fair that the rules do not seem to apply to him? Why is that the rules don't apply to him? WTF is up with that? Basically I told him I hope it was worth it because I didn't want to talk to him, look at him, or be anywhere near him for a while. He claims he wouldn't go.
So around lunchtime (noon or so), I decided to see if he stuck to his word. I blocked my number (I know it was devious) and called the house phone to see if he was home. While about 20 rings later there was still no answer. I hung up. I finally caved and called his cell around 2:30pm because I needed to know if he was home to get our son off the bus. He answered and said he had been home all day. I know this to be false because he didn't answer when I called the house. So I know you are thinking...While maybe he didn't hear the phone ring, or maybe he was busy when you called. Normally, I would buy that...However, the money that was in his dresser when I left this morning, was not there this afternoon when I got home. So unless he went into the city, where the hell did it go? It surely didn't spontaneously combust, or vanish into thin air.
FYI...the confrontation hasn't happened yet...but it sure is brewing within me. I am so furious with him right now I am terrified I will do something I will regret if I confront him now. But the bottom line is...He has been caught in more than one lie. Is this the kind of marriage he wants? I know I sure as hell didn't sign up for this nonsense! We shall see how the confrontation goes. Hopefully I can keep my cool and remain calm.
I will end on this note...HUSBANDS...it is not in your best interest to be deceitful with your wives for ANY reason. Just so they will not be mad or upset is NOT a valid reason to lie or keep things from them. WIVES...the same rule applies to you. Because after all, if you can't be honest with your spouse...who the hell can you be honest with and what the hell is this world coming to??
Life Lesson #1
Today was a rough day. It was day 5 of 5 at work, which normally would be no big deal...except that it began with a huge over-the-phone fight with my husband of 6 (almost 7) months. Don't get me wrong...it wasn't the first fight and I am positive it won't be the last as we have been together for 9 YEARS. However, it was the kind of fight that makes you wonder if you are stuck in some weird romantic-drama/comedy. Or who in the world you pissed off to deserve a beginning like this. Either way...I pushed through and managed to survived the day without physically harming anyone. This is not always an easy task.
The worst part is that the fight seems stupid now, but it was the kind of fight that showed just how much my husband cares (or doesn't) about my thoughts and feelings. Now I know you are like..."Oh God, not another blog about someone's feelings..." but this isn't. The fight just rubbed me the wrong way on many different levels. I think some background is in order to assist you in better understanding some of those life lessons I was discussing earlier.
My husband and I have been together since I was 18, he was 35. Age to me is nothing but a number. He is and always will be a recovering addict. All I am going to say about that is...I have been through more stints with him in jail or rehab than I can count on my fingers and toes. I love him with all of my heart and will always accept him flaws and all. I have never loved someone so completely. We went through a period of separation when our son was younger but we still managed to find our way back to each other. Mainly because my husband finally decided he was ready to stay clean and be a family. Which I admire him for more than he will ever know or understand because I do know what a challenge that is for addicts. He did for himself and our son. I will love him forever for that. While he was using, I was pregnant and he put me through SO much crap. I ended up in a VERY dark place during our relationship. So in the present...certain things he says and does can take me back to that dark place in a hot second. Sometimes I think he still doesn't understand that. Maybe one day he will understand...one day.
Now, with that in mind let's move forward and continue with what the fight was about. My husband doesn't drive or work currently (he does side work on the weekends). He gets tired of being couped up in the house all day which is understandable. Today he wanted to catch the bus into the city to get out for a while. Which normally I would say go for it and have fun, but today the weather was terrible and I was anxious about him going out. I told him my feelings and we fought about it. To me it was not right because I felt like he didn't give a shit how I felt about the situation. Sometimes I feel like he does what he wants, regardless of how I feel...while I bend over backwards to ensure his happiness and to not upset him about anything. Generally, if he doesn't want me to go somewhere, I don't go PERIOD. It is that simple. Is it fair that the rules do not seem to apply to him? Why is that the rules don't apply to him? WTF is up with that? Basically I told him I hope it was worth it because I didn't want to talk to him, look at him, or be anywhere near him for a while. He claims he wouldn't go.
So around lunchtime (noon or so), I decided to see if he stuck to his word. I blocked my number (I know it was devious) and called the house phone to see if he was home. While about 20 rings later there was still no answer. I hung up. I finally caved and called his cell around 2:30pm because I needed to know if he was home to get our son off the bus. He answered and said he had been home all day. I know this to be false because he didn't answer when I called the house. So I know you are thinking...While maybe he didn't hear the phone ring, or maybe he was busy when you called. Normally, I would buy that...However, the money that was in his dresser when I left this morning, was not there this afternoon when I got home. So unless he went into the city, where the hell did it go? It surely didn't spontaneously combust, or vanish into thin air.
FYI...the confrontation hasn't happened yet...but it sure is brewing within me. I am so furious with him right now I am terrified I will do something I will regret if I confront him now. But the bottom line is...He has been caught in more than one lie. Is this the kind of marriage he wants? I know I sure as hell didn't sign up for this nonsense! We shall see how the confrontation goes. Hopefully I can keep my cool and remain calm.
I will end on this note...HUSBANDS...it is not in your best interest to be deceitful with your wives for ANY reason. Just so they will not be mad or upset is NOT a valid reason to lie or keep things from them. WIVES...the same rule applies to you. Because after all, if you can't be honest with your spouse...who the hell can you be honest with and what the hell is this world coming to??
Life Lesson #1
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