So...I will now go through the alphabet listing the emotions that best describe me with regard to how my husband makes me feel lately. Some letters may have more words than others. This is because so many words fit into the description. This could turn into a poem, or just another incessant rambling about my pitiful life. We shall see. So...here it goes:
A - aggravated, abandoned, angry
B - betrayed, bitter, burdened
C - crushed, confused
D - damaged, deceived, disgusted
E - empty, exhausted, exasperated
F - foolish, frustrated, furious
G - grief, gullible
H - hate, helpless, hurt, horrible
I - ignored infuriated, insecure
J - jabbed, judgmental
K - kicked
L - lonely, longing, let down
M - melancholy, misled, miserable
N - numb, naive, neglected
O - overwhelmed
P - pained, panicked, put off
Q - quarrelsome
R - rejected
S - sad, scared, sorrowful, stupid, stunned
T - tense, tired, troubled
U - uneasy, ensettled
V - violated, vulnerable
W - weepy, worried
X - ?
Y - yanked
Z - ?
Pretty damn sad when I can come up with all negative words about my husband using almost every letter of the alphabet. WTF!?! Our marriage was blissfully perfect for the first couple months...Now, the above descripters appear to be me ALL THE TIME!! I don't know how to handle that. I don't know how to continue to put on a happy face in front of everyone when inside I feel like I am dying a slow merciless death! How do I stop this? How can I save my marriage? Hell, most days I feel like I am the only one who gives a damn about the marriage anyway. So where does that leave me? I just am at a loss for what to do. We have been arguing about the same stuff daily or at least a few times a week for the past few months. Everytime it is the same tired ass "I'm sorry" or "It won't happen again". What he fails to realize is it isn't going to happen again because I am going to put an end to the marriage before he has a chance to do it again...Because that is how sick and tired I am of the games. I can't take it...mind, body, and soul is spent. I just need clarity, understanding, and a husband who actually gives a damn about me, my feelings, and my thoughts and opinions. Is that really so much to ask? I want a partner...someone I can rely on, someone I can turn to and cry on their shoulder should the need arise. I just do not know what to do.
Part of me says..."It's time to throw in the towel and give up on this marriage because it is sucking the life out of me!" While another part of me feels like "Just stick it out...The first year is always the hardest. Things are going to get better."
But I feel like..."Damn! I have already waited 9 years for him to get it together and do right by our son and myself, and I feel like all I get is more heartbreak and the same old tune he has been singing for the past 9 years." For the first time in 9 years, I am contemplating seriously walking away and NEVER looking back. The relationship we have right now is not conducive to my health...I am going to end up in the hospital or worse from constantly having the same argument because he can't grow up and be a responsible, mature adult who thinks of others before himself.
The hardest part for me is my son...I know my son is attached and has built a good relationship with his father. I would feel horrible to take that away...On the same hand, it is wrong if I stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of my son. He and I both deserve so much better than that. He does not deserve to have to be subjected to his parents' fighting 24/7. Enough is enough. I would rather be a single mom than to raise my son in the type of household we are currently in. So where does that leave me? What do I do? Where should I go? Who can I trust?
Life Lesson #4: If you cannot trust your partner...Who the hell can you trust? I know they say "it is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all"...but a big part of me thinks that is a load of crap. At least if I never loved I wouldn't know the hurt and pain of having to say goodbye and let go of someone I love with my whole heart. Love is not enough. You can only say "Sorry" so many times before the meaning and sincerity are lost and it falls upon deaf ears.
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