So...First let me start off by giving a mini-intro. I am a newlywed, mother of one amazing son, and an avid poetry writer. Some of my posts may be poetry while others may come in the form of a rant, rave, or random thoughts. Either way, I hope to show you the world through my eyes and experiences. Although I am only 27, I have gone through more than most my age. Life lessons have been learned and almost forgotten until each time reality comes back and slaps me across the face to remind me I am not invincible and life does effect me on every level possible.
Today was a rough day. It was day 5 of 5 at work, which normally would be no big deal...except that it began with a huge over-the-phone fight with my husband of 6 (almost 7) months. Don't get me wrong...it wasn't the first fight and I am positive it won't be the last as we have been together for 9 YEARS. However, it was the kind of fight that makes you wonder if you are stuck in some weird romantic-drama/comedy. Or who in the world you pissed off to deserve a beginning like this. Either way...I pushed through and managed to survived the day without physically harming anyone. This is not always an easy task.
The worst part is that the fight seems stupid now, but it was the kind of fight that showed just how much my husband cares (or doesn't) about my thoughts and feelings. Now I know you are like..."Oh God, not another blog about someone's feelings..." but this isn't. The fight just rubbed me the wrong way on many different levels. I think some background is in order to assist you in better understanding some of those life lessons I was discussing earlier.
My husband and I have been together since I was 18, he was 35. Age to me is nothing but a number. He is and always will be a recovering addict. All I am going to say about that is...I have been through more stints with him in jail or rehab than I can count on my fingers and toes. I love him with all of my heart and will always accept him flaws and all. I have never loved someone so completely. We went through a period of separation when our son was younger but we still managed to find our way back to each other. Mainly because my husband finally decided he was ready to stay clean and be a family. Which I admire him for more than he will ever know or understand because I do know what a challenge that is for addicts. He did for himself and our son. I will love him forever for that. While he was using, I was pregnant and he put me through SO much crap. I ended up in a VERY dark place during our relationship. So in the present...certain things he says and does can take me back to that dark place in a hot second. Sometimes I think he still doesn't understand that. Maybe one day he will understand...one day.
Now, with that in mind let's move forward and continue with what the fight was about. My husband doesn't drive or work currently (he does side work on the weekends). He gets tired of being couped up in the house all day which is understandable. Today he wanted to catch the bus into the city to get out for a while. Which normally I would say go for it and have fun, but today the weather was terrible and I was anxious about him going out. I told him my feelings and we fought about it. To me it was not right because I felt like he didn't give a shit how I felt about the situation. Sometimes I feel like he does what he wants, regardless of how I feel...while I bend over backwards to ensure his happiness and to not upset him about anything. Generally, if he doesn't want me to go somewhere, I don't go PERIOD. It is that simple. Is it fair that the rules do not seem to apply to him? Why is that the rules don't apply to him? WTF is up with that? Basically I told him I hope it was worth it because I didn't want to talk to him, look at him, or be anywhere near him for a while. He claims he wouldn't go.
So around lunchtime (noon or so), I decided to see if he stuck to his word. I blocked my number (I know it was devious) and called the house phone to see if he was home. While about 20 rings later there was still no answer. I hung up. I finally caved and called his cell around 2:30pm because I needed to know if he was home to get our son off the bus. He answered and said he had been home all day. I know this to be false because he didn't answer when I called the house. So I know you are thinking...While maybe he didn't hear the phone ring, or maybe he was busy when you called. Normally, I would buy that...However, the money that was in his dresser when I left this morning, was not there this afternoon when I got home. So unless he went into the city, where the hell did it go? It surely didn't spontaneously combust, or vanish into thin air.
FYI...the confrontation hasn't happened yet...but it sure is brewing within me. I am so furious with him right now I am terrified I will do something I will regret if I confront him now. But the bottom line is...He has been caught in more than one lie. Is this the kind of marriage he wants? I know I sure as hell didn't sign up for this nonsense! We shall see how the confrontation goes. Hopefully I can keep my cool and remain calm.
I will end on this note...HUSBANDS...it is not in your best interest to be deceitful with your wives for ANY reason. Just so they will not be mad or upset is NOT a valid reason to lie or keep things from them. WIVES...the same rule applies to you. Because after all, if you can't be honest with your spouse...who the hell can you be honest with and what the hell is this world coming to??
Life Lesson #1
